lost baby

[DeAnna]

Hey,

My baby was lost in the second trimester. I don't want to discuss it on normal posts because I don't want to worry mother's who may be sick and scared right now. This may not be the same thing as abortion, but my baby was terminated. She was taken from me. I understand the thought of abortion. I thought of it. I looked at it in the phone book. This was at a time when looking at words in the page could force me into emisis. I was dying and very scared. I didn't bond for a long time because at the time this didn't seem like my baby but more like my death.

In discussion of HG I have never seen mention of miscarraiges. Let alone second trimester miscarraige. I feel very alone in this AND like I shouldn't talk about it because I don't want to cause another worry to someone who is sick or caring for someone who is sick. They should know that it could happen though.

I had (early) miscarraiges before but nothing like this. It was different because I was so far along. It felt like she was taken from me secretly while I was fighting for life. Mine and "hers". As though someone sneaked in and just took her and didn't even bother to leave a note, or let me know. She was suppose to be okay. I was told that it was only me in trouble.

I was afraid that she died because I didn't pray hard enough for her, that sometimes I said things like, "if I can only be healed by miscarraige then let it be", Maybe because I was more concerned with my own healing, but I did pray for her, and I was concerned for her. I did turn down some meds because I wasn't comfortable with them. I had an x ray with the picc line and worried about that. But I read everything in the world about the xray before they did it so that I was aware that there was less there to worry about than with the meds. I was dying, too.

I remember worrying about the TPN, being afraid of it at home but not at the hospital. I had a strong instinct to not accept it (it seemed different) but I did anyway. The home version looked different. I read that too much lipids to newbornes causes death and was worried if it would hurt the baby in utero. I was on the tpn for 3-4 weeks. This is also when the gallstones appeared. I remember the nurse being in the kitchen "adding stuff" to the bag and I always worried what he was doing and was paranoid that he would do something bad. I always talked myself out of those ugly little thoughts, though. I knew that he had to add things.

I'm having the hardest time with this. It feels like my fault. It has put a different face on my faith. I did pray for her as well as many others did. Lots of friends with different religions even, just in case it really is only "one of us". I was annointed. I slept with the bible on my belly, when I rolled over my hand was inside of it. I didn't leave prayer for weeks. Then, she died. Our prayers were heard and ignored. I'm afraid to say these things. I do love God, I just don't get it. She was taken after the "chromosomal" issues should have resolved . It may have been an issue with her taking over her own nutrituion requirements with the placenta and cord conversion around that time.

I was told that the sicker I was that the stronger the baby was, and the less likely that anything could happen. I was completely shocked to not find a heartbeat. She looked perfect, all there, even her face. How come nobody says that the baby is in danger? Could I have fought harder? I don't think so but momma's can do amazing things. I remember trying to be stronger than the HG ( I am mentally strong). I refused to vomit...it came anyway... I swallowed it ...then really lost it. I decided that if this was "in my head" or because of depression or any other mental state, that I declared dominance over it. NO WAY!!!! This was stronger than me. It was stronger than me and it took my baby.

Sorry for the long post. I don't know if there are rules about number of lines and such. It is comforting to get this off my chest though. I try not to discuss this too much with the family because 1)we have to move on 2)my 15 yr old was very traumatized by all three pregnancies, especially this one 3) I want to have a happy home for my 3 children.

I'm going for the ESSURE procedure next week (a kind of tubal) and that feels like a loss also. Not to compare with abortion at all, but it feels like I am terminating. Termination isn't just abortion, is it? I hope I haven't posted in the wrong spirit of intent for this area. My pregnancy was terminated, my womb and future chidren are being terminated.

Thanks for letting me share.
~~DeAnna~~

[ashlimccall]

DeAnna,

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious child. Unfortunately, studies show that moms with HG have at least the same risk of miscarriage/stillbirth as the normal pregnant population. After fighting so hard and suffering so much to have a baby, losing him/her adds insult to injury. While it is heartbreaking for everyone to lose a child, everyone does not have to start all the way back at the beginning of battling HG just to try again. So I know the matter of child loss after HG is very complicated, and my heart is with you, particularly since you and your family determined that a tubal was the right choice in your situation. I know that "sterilization" is devastating, because it is not what you would have chosen if you didn't have HG. I know that this is another negative way HG has affected your life, permanently, and I'm so sorry. HG has devastated so many of us in many different ways. You are not alone.

A "different face to faith" is not always bad. Life is a journey, and much as we pray (and are heard), our prayers are not always answered the way we would like, but part of our faith is believing that God is sovereign, and if we could love Him in spite of 6 million innocent Jews being killed in WWII, then we can love Him when something horrible happens to us, and I can see that you do still love Him. Understanding and trusting are two different matters, and you seem to grasp this. I think it's OK to be sad and even angry sometimes; it's all a part of the experience, and I'm not a preacher or anything, but I think God can handle a woman being upset that her child died, especially when she had to fight as hard as you did. And God is faithful to forgive our anger when we ask Him.

An event like this will certainly set you on a journey with God. In my case, when I got HG, and it lead to the death of my child in an abortion, I was very angry at God. I still believed in Him, but I didn't want anything to do with Him for about five years. Now I know Him better than I ever did before, and eventually my experience provided the opportunity for me to love Him, not as I know Him to be but as He knows Himself to be. That was a first for me and a big eye-opener. It gave a "different face to faith" in my life, and while I will always grieve the loss of my child and sorrow over my horrible experience with abortion, I am grateful to have grown closer to God.

Take the word of someone who signed her name and paid to have her child aborted: you did not cause the death of your child; IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Also, getting HG has nothing to do with mental weakness. It's a physical disease like cancer is a physical disease. All the will power in the world will not prevent or cure it. Strong women get HG. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You are precious, and you are going through a very difficult experience. Take the time to grieve. Argue it out with God if you must. Go easy on yourself, and know that you are not alone.

Love and comfort,
Ashli

[autumnbutterfly]

Dear Deanna,
My heart goes out to you. No one should have to bear a loss. And it seems like you feel so alone. You are not alone.